PAIN DEMANDS TO BE FELT

As much as I try to ignore that statement, it always comes back and tries me again and again until I do.

It’s been five years now since our run-in with the doctors, the treatments, the poison, the hospital stays, the pet/ct scans, the sleepless nights, the chills and sweats, the weird appetites, and the exhaustion that cancer brings.

For those of you who don’t know, my wonderful husband was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in December of 2008, just eighteen months after being married. We caught it early and he has been cancer free since 2009. We are blessed…it could have been far, far worse. But, I’m not writing today to tell the story of how it all went down. That will be one of the concluding chapters in the Love Story I am writing here on this little blog of mine, so stay tuned.

I’m writing today to try and release some of the built up, anxious, overwhelming, and painful feelings that I still harbor in hopes of suppressing forever. Those hopes, as I have realized time and time again since 2009, are in vain. Most of the time they aren’t there, but when they are, they really, really are.

I finished the book “The Fault in Our Stars” this week and was a little let down after finishing it on a lunch break. I think I may have been looking for some type of therapy or “release” of my resurfacing feelings. It was a good book, but for me, the movie was better. (It probably didn’t help that I read the book on public transportation every day so I couldn’t let my emotions surface as much as they probably needed to).

But last night, we went on a date to the movie and goodness, it was it a good one. They stay very true to the book...right down to the right color of finger nail polish and car egging. As with every PG-13 movie these days, there are a couple of awkward/inappropriate scenes and cuss words. But the message that was brought up a couple of times throughout, is what has me thinking: “Pain demands to be felt”. 

One of the biggest blessings for me during Thomas’ treatments was the blessing of “numbness”. Being the caretaker of a patient is not easy. You are the person that everyone asks the questions they don’t want to ask the patient. You are expected to keep everyone up to date on how things are going. You are to carry on your other side of life (work, school, etc…) with grace and ease. You are to support, lift, care for, encourage, and give strength to your loved one with a smile – even if you are breaking inside.

Don’t get me wrong, it really was my pleasure and I wanted to be the one at Thomas’ side through all of it. He honestly was so much stronger than I was during most of it. Even though he was exhausted and sick, he insisted on dropping me off at my classes on campus every day. To this day I still feel guilty about that. I should have made him stay home and get more rest instead of worrying about my transportation.

Anyway, Heavenly Father knew that I needed those numb feelings to make it through that period. It might sound weird but being numb to my real feelings and emotions is what kept me strong and helped me be what others needed me to be during that time. I’m so grateful for it and know that it was a huge blessing during that stressful and painful time.

The funny thing is that no matter when or what, that pain demands to be felt. The demands may not come immediately, but over time they will resurface and expect a fair trial. The make little worries become big worries. They make the girly-hormonal days unbelievable ridiculous. They make all the little insecurities add up to one huge, encompassing feeling of failure. They make the future scary and the present unfocused. They are mean and do not play fair.

I’ve realized that I have to acknowledge them and really feel them out to make them go away.  My friend Ellen taught me that. During a big trial in her life, she mentioned to me that she had to let herself mourn, grieve, and really feel it, to be able to move on and feel the ground under her again.

I’ll be honest; it’s soooo hard to allow myself to “feel” again. I dragged out that numb stage as long as I could. It was a coping mechanism for me and I liked it. Sure, I had my moments of weakness and sobs of hopelessness, but over all, I was numb.  I chose to not feel, I chose to eat crappy food for comfort, I chose to just go through the motions, I chose to not do the hard things, I chose to float - to be pushed along by life doing whatever and going wherever it wanted me to go. I wasn’t in control and I liked it back then.

Now, not so much.

I’m trying to break free from it. Some days are better than others. I’m trying to do better and be better in all aspects of life. I miss being in control of the little things adult life gives to me. Although a lot of it is annoying: bills, dishes, cleaning, bills, cooking, eating healthy, bills, planning ahead, etc… but I’m at the point where I want it all again. I want a healthy balance in all aspects of life.

As I’ve tried different ways of overcoming this weakness, I’ve come to learn one thing: I cannot do it alone. I have to put my spiritual life above all others and lean on my Savior and my husband and my family to make it through.

Thomas has been the best husband, friend, and confidant for me these past few years. He has put my needs before his and has gone above and beyond in helping me find balance. He’s my grocery shopper, my chauffeur, my dish washer, and my best friend. He makes time for me and tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am every single day. He leads out in family scriptures and prayers. He has been consistent at his goals and has been a great Christ-like example in his church service and compassion for others. He’s seriously a gem…an Augustus Waters – only so, so, so much more.

It’s almost like he’s been my caretaker…and I’m so thankful for that.

The past few weeks have been particularly exhausting as I’ve put in quite a few 12+ hour days at work (commute included). I really like VCBO, so I don’t mind at all, but I have realized that I’ve got to get that balance back and it has to start now.

I appreciated my church meetings today which all seemed to be on this same topic. (It seems to always work like that…huh?!). I know that if I keep my priorities in order, starting with the spiritual, that everything else will fall into place. I now know that it's okay to “feel” and that I need to “feel” and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It’s part of the healing process and I’m ready to move to the next step, even if it has been a few years.

I know good things are coming for our family and I know the time to prepare is now. So here we go….

I realize this post is out of the norm for this family blog of ours, 

but it’s real, it’s where I’m at, and it’s mine

…and I do what I want. ;)