ANOTHER TEST IN PATIENCE

I should be going to bed right now...and I know I will probably regret staying up to write this in the morning, but I'm doing it anyway.

Patience and healing is hard work. I keep telling myself that there is a special reason this trial happened to me. There is something here that I need to learn. I think it's partly to have more compassion. I've been wearing a neck brace for four weeks now, and I now know what it's like to have people look at me differently. I now know what it's like to depend on others for transportation. I now know what it is like to be in constant pain. I now know what it is like to sleep but never feel rested. I now know what it is like to be physically limited and not be able to run or jump or work out when I want to. I know that because of this I will be able to relate to others and have compassion and be a friend when they have similar trials. I know how important it is to have a friend who really understands. I hope I can be that person for someone someday. 

But I think the hardest thing for me right now is to not feel guilty about everything. I mean, I wasn't a perfectly clean or organized person before the accident, but the fact that I literally don't have the energy to do things at home makes me feel like such a slacker. I know that resting on the couch is one of the only things that gets me through the next day...but after FOUR weeks of doing it, it starts to make me feel really lazy and frustrated. I also find myself not wanting to go to bed at night because I feel like I have accomplished nothing AGAIN and I don't want another day to go by like that. 

I put all the energy I have in my work. The people there have been understanding and patient with me, but I don't want to use my accident as an excuse to not work. I over-do it a lot there...by lunch I give myself a pep talk just to get through the afternoon. It's a busy place with a lot to do and a lot of stressed people. I try my hardest to work hard, be efficient, keep the peace, and not complain...but it's exhausting too! 

I guess what I'm trying to say through with all of this blabbering is that I want to come out of this strong. I want to make new life resolutions and stick to them. I want to appreciate the little things I took for granted. I really want to show Heavenly Father that I am grateful that He spared my life. 

The thing is...is that I'm not there yet. I physically can't do some of my resolutions and it's discouraging. I'm trying to be grateful for my progress so far, but another test in patience? I swear I have learned it these past few years...but maybe not, I mean, I've never been a good test taker...